Ass Trifecta

My Better Half, who tends to have a saltier verbal delivery than I do, recently called someone from her past a "***** Ass." Guess that's why Samantha no longer associates with this person. Fear not. I will tell you what the word is in a few moments.

I've been keeping a running tally of the words she's been using as adjectives that contain the word ass. I called her attention to the fact we now have three. Enough for a list, I'd say.

I dubbed it, oddly enough, The Ass List:

1. Swamp Ass. The exquisite feeling of spongy dampness felt you-know-where when you're driving your car and the temperature is Hotter Than The Hinges of Hell (another Samantha-ism), but your air conditioner just won't cut it.

2. Gooey Ass. The lovely feeling of seepage one feels after a colonoscopy/endoscopy and the lubricant the doctor used to shove the tubing up your bottom begins to S.L.O.W.L.Y. creep out.

3. Phony Ass. A person who looks astonishingly great all the time and smiles and looks you right in the eye -- and you know she's a complete and utter phony.

Kidney Stones + Savage Pain = Ambulance

My Better Half passed what we think (and hope) was a kidney stone in October. This wasn't fun. It positively ruined Halloween. Nothing to show for all the sturm und drang, either. Not even a kidney stone. She tossed and turned and moaned in her sleep -- when she was able to drift off. The pain she experienced was, and I quote Samantha here, "savage." At the height of her suffering, she couldn't take it anymore and called 911. Her actions led me to add another truism to my growing arsenal of wisdom. "Any night the ambulance does NOT show up on your doorstep at 2 am is a good night."