Dumb Works

I learned another very valuable thing today from My Better Half. She is much better with people than I am, though she says she isn't.

When I want to accomplish a tash, I have a plan in hand, written down and stetched out in diagram form. I had to change one of my money access passwords and went to my local financial institution.

I approached one of the very friendly tellers and told them my problem. Then I began telling them the solution, as I carefully diagrammed on a notepad before arriving. Bad idea.

Their eyes widened like those of a deer wandering onto the highway and caught in the headlamps of truck speeding toward them. Sweat formed on their brow. They instinctively recoiled as if to flee. Their thought bubble said, "Noooo!"

Quickly backpeddling, I stopped in my tracks. I started over, asking them, "What should I do?" Good idea.

Their eyes crinkled in knowledgeable fashion. They bent toward me with a friendly air. Their thought bubble said, "I know how to help this customer."

My very minor problem was sorted out in a few minutes and I even got a few other questions answered.

When I got home and related this to my wife, she applauded my newly acquired method of acting as if I don't know anything. People are more inclined to help someone in need.

"Dumb works," says Samantha.

Going Brown 2

In Brown Before Green 2, the latest episode of The Discovery Channel's Dirty Jobs, hosted by Mike Rowe, he said, "Before you can gleam with green, you have to get down with brown."

I agree.

Green is pretty, clean, and has a pleasant aroma. But you need brown -- as in fertilizer and poo -- to grow the green. You have to step in, wade through, shovel, and muck around with brown before reaching green.

"Although green is the color of money," Mr. Rowe said, "the true currency is brown."

Hear, hear.

Ass Trifecta

My Better Half, who tends to have a saltier verbal delivery than I do, recently called someone from her past a "***** Ass." Guess that's why Samantha no longer associates with this person. Fear not. I will tell you what the word is in a few moments.

I've been keeping a running tally of the words she's been using as adjectives that contain the word ass. I called her attention to the fact we now have three. Enough for a list, I'd say.

I dubbed it, oddly enough, The Ass List:

1. Swamp Ass. The exquisite feeling of spongy dampness felt you-know-where when you're driving your car and the temperature is Hotter Than The Hinges of Hell (another Samantha-ism), but your air conditioner just won't cut it.

2. Gooey Ass. The lovely feeling of seepage one feels after a colonoscopy/endoscopy and the lubricant the doctor used to shove the tubing up your bottom begins to S.L.O.W.L.Y. creep out.

3. Phony Ass. A person who looks astonishingly great all the time and smiles and looks you right in the eye -- and you know she's a complete and utter phony.

Kidney Stones + Savage Pain = Ambulance

My Better Half passed what we think (and hope) was a kidney stone in October. This wasn't fun. It positively ruined Halloween. Nothing to show for all the sturm und drang, either. Not even a kidney stone. She tossed and turned and moaned in her sleep -- when she was able to drift off. The pain she experienced was, and I quote Samantha here, "savage." At the height of her suffering, she couldn't take it anymore and called 911. Her actions led me to add another truism to my growing arsenal of wisdom. "Any night the ambulance does NOT show up on your doorstep at 2 am is a good night."

Natural Isn't Always Good For You

I'm an avid Mike Rowe fan. For the uninitiated, he is the host of the Discovery Channel show Dirty Jobs.

On a recent episode, Mike went on a minor rant when someone plugged a natural product as being good for you. "Since when is natural good?" he said.

He then enumerated several "natural" things that will kill a person dead real quick, such as lightening, quick sand, and sharks.

Natural isn't always better, and sometimes it comes with razor-sharp teeth.